Wiser in the Past

Sometimes I think I was wiser in the past. I came across this list that I had written two years ago and am struck at how much I need to remind myself of these truths and encouragements daily:

Done

I’m done with viewing relationships in a selfish light.

I’m done with approaching relationships in a consumeristic manner - weighing the pros and cons as to what it will cost be in return for what I can gain.

I’m done with not loving because love is not always reciprocated.

I’m done with thinking about what I deserve and how I should be treated.

I’m done dwelling on the past. It is a part of who I am. It will shape who I am today. The past is in the past. It is over and unchangeable. I will no longer allow it to have that power over me of controlling my actions in the present.

I’m done holding onto the idol of what my relationship with a boy was. That was a relationship - there will never be a relationship like that again, but there doesn’t need to be one like that again. Each relationship takes a different form.

I will:

Love recklessly because Jesus’ love is sufficient.

Invest in people because Jesus has saved me.

View relationships in light of how I can serve and how I can be selfless.

Rest in the fact that I don’t really need others. Jesus is enough.

Thanksgiving List as a 20 year old

1. Who God is - a good God, full of love and compassion and mercy and sovereignty and grace
2. My family
3. My apartment
4. The basketball team
5. Reformed University Fellowship
6. The city of Charlottesville
7. The interaction between the siblings now that Davis is 13 and Ryan is 22 - we are all moving towards being friends as well as siblings
8. Adults and older people who have poured into my life (Coach Priester, teachers, AC and Derrick, other MPC volunteers, Saranell, Molly, Libbie, etc.)
9. Friends, new and old, UVA and nova
10. Good health for those I love
11. My bed
12. The luxury of having a car at school
13. The opportunity to be invested and welcomed into the Lewis family this summer
14. Good things to be enjoyed - movies, tv shows, good food, novels, etc. 
15. The opportunity to attend the University of Virginia
16. The freedom to choose what I study
17. Greg Thompson, Shawn Slate, James Forsyth
18. God's evident power and creativity in nature
19. Technology allowing me to keep up with people
20. The ability to exercise

Have you ever read something and felt like the author was speaking to you? That they had somehow crawled into your brain and read your thoughts and come up with a response? Is that what the Holy Spirit is doing? Guiding me to these places where I feel my heart thirst is satisfied?

Here is what I read in my devotions this morning from Sarah Young's Jesus Lives:

"I understand you perfectly and love you eternally. It is your soul I love, rather than your appearance or performance. Sometimes you are so dissatisfied with both of these that they become your focus. To break free from this self-preoccupation, relax in My loving Presence and let the Light of My Love soak into your entire being. Rest deeply while I massage your thoughts and feelings, helping you change your focus from yourself to Me. Remember that I created you to know Me: to enjoy Me and center your life in Me. Cease striving and know that I am God.

The world abounds with idols - things you turn to when you want to feel better about yourself: eating, entertainment, exercise, mastery of something or someone. However, none of these things can slake the thirst of your soul, which yearns for Me alone. Idolatrous substitutes may suppress your appetite for Me, mainly by distracting you, but they provide no satisfaction. When you get that gnawing sensation around the edges of your soul, return to Me. Your soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods."

Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." - Psalm 46:10

Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. - Psalm 63: 3-5

Encouragement from St. Augustine

Alas for me! Through your own merciful dealings with me, O Lord my God,  tell me what you are to me. Say to my soul, I am your salvation.  Say it so that I can hear it. My heart is listening, Lord;  open the ears of my heart and say to my soul, I am your salvation.  Let me run towards this voice and seize hold of you.  Do not hide your face from me: let me die so that I may see it,  for not to see it would be death to me indeed.

This, friends, is perspective. 

⁸ Taste and see that the Lord is good;
    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
⁹ Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
    for those who fear him lack nothing.

- Psalm 34: 7-8

Those who fear the Lord lack nothing...NOTHING. All we need is found in Him. And in order to see the Lord's goodness, we need to TASTE and see that He is good. Tasting is personal. It is something that only you can experience yourself. You must experience and take the dare to taste the Lord to fully experience His goodness. How good is our God!

Today, I am thankful for: 

1. My family - I have gotten to see someone in my family for the past three weekends while still being involved and engaged at school. I don't know why I thought that I had to choose between being an integral part of things at home and being fully engaged at school. It is totally possible and doable to be present in both. For this I am thankful.
2. My apartment - these girls have made me feel so loved and cared for this semester. We have fun together and have good conversation. They are so easy to live with and they encourage me daily. When I come to the apartment, it truly feels like a home away from home. I think this feeling of belonging has really shaped my semester thus far. As these friendships continue to grow and strengthen, I am overwhelmed by how the Lord has blessed me with these three lovely young ladies. 
3. My friends at UVA
4. RUF
5. My friends from home
6. The beautiful fall weather
7. My basketball team

You are my home. 

“But now, Lord, what do I look for?
    My hope is in you." - Psalm 39:7

I fall on my knees before you, O Lord. Acknowledging that I feel homeless, I long to be in the place which you are preparing for me. I feel homeless here. The Christian story is the story of homeless. Adam and Eve wandering. Moses and the Israelites wandering. Prophets wandering. John the Baptist wandering. Jesus wandering. Jesus dying. Jesus rising again. Jesus ascending to His home to be with You, God. You are showing me that you are my home. My hope is in you. So why do I continue to run in the other directions, chasing all things that will never satisfy. "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." More homelessness in the lyrics, "Just when I thought that I'd remain in the wasteland of my shame, that was the moment Jesus came." He sees my homelessness and He enters into this homelessness. 

"I dwell with you as a foreigner,
    a stranger, as all my ancestors were." - Psalm 39:12b 

I want to journey with you today and always, God. 

For You are my home.