Lately, I have been so convicted with expectations. I am a planner. I like to think about the future and control the future. I like to know what's coming and have the power to manipulate it to fit to my needs. This is evident in the way I approached going to school last fall. I had the plan figured out. I was going to go to school, meet tons of new people, make solid, awesome new friends, meet new boys, go on dates, double major in environmental science and government in undergrad to prepare for environmental policy in law school. It would be easy. Everyone else would be insecure. I would have it all together. Right?
I had to learn the hard way that God's plans for me are often so different from the expectations that I have for myself. I don't want to trust. I don't want to feel vulnerable. However, despite my obstinacy, God always provides. He allowed me to meet two of my best friends before school even started. He allowed our conversation to always be uplifting and encouraging. He graced me with an amazing roommate, who challenged me in my faith more than anyone in my life through her example and wisdom and the conversations that would transpire before bed. He blessed me with success in the classroom. He blessed me with a family who was actively involved in my life and college and would sacrificed in order to help me although I was miles away. I could go on and on, but you get the gist. He was there; He was active; He was involved, although I often felt like I was drowning. He gave me the encouragements I needed just to keep my head above water and to stay afloat during the constant waves of first semester.
God is faithful. He has been and will continue to be faithful. In the book of Joshua in the Old Testament, God's faithfulness to the nation of Israel is evident. Despite His promises to fight for Israel, you hear God constantly reminding Joshua to "be strong and courageous."
Yes, God, I hear that. I know You are faithful. However, you are defying my expectations once again. Spring semester was amazing. I felt like my friendships were solidifying, school was becoming easy, everything was falling into place. I felt even better coming into school for the fall semester. I had gotten into shape over the summer, gotten my braces off, worked my first real job, worked two jobs this summer, explored the east coast a little bit taking my first solo road trip, and took a summer class. I expected this semester to be effortless. This semester is hard. I'm waiting, waiting to see how God provides. There had been evident brokenness in this semester. I'm trusting that He will use it. It's hard. Let's be honest. I did not expect that Davis would lose his best friend, nor did I expect that my best friend would try to take her own life, nor did I expect that my dear friend would lose his father so soon. The brokenness of this world is evident. It is defying my expectations of what the semester would look like. I had forgotten the brokenness of a world rampaged by sin. It's a reminder that I am in need of a Savior. All else is futile without the ending of the story of redemption. It reminds me that this suffering is not in vain. The story is not over. Jesus is coming. He will redeem it. God is working. He is bigger than my expectations. I need to tell myself this everyday.
